Hi,
First and foremost, let me just mention that these feelings may not be codependency as you might see them. It took me a long time to figure out why. It turns out, that your views on everything from alcohol to drug abuse is already formulated in your head by the 1st grade; 2nd grade at the latest. It's called a belief system, and yes they are important. Understanding your belief system will help you overcome your addiction(s). I would go more into that, but i have a lot of hurt and pain in my hear at the moment.
I am a 21 year old guy, who recently just moved from SC, to PA. While in SC, i worked for Sonic, as an assistant manager. About 8 months into the job, i hired the guy that drives my life crazy. At first, i would just buy drugs from him and the people he knew. ( he started off as a friend , moved to an enabler, and then he became my demon.). It was not really a friendship, but then one day he asked if i wanted to chill, and if i would buy some weed for us to smoke. At first, i literally said: "F' you do i look like your ++%*%?" The funny thing is he laughed, and said "yah man just be over in 20 minutes". . . and guess what, i was there in 5 minutes.
This all started my codependency to him, it wasn't soon after that he realized he could get what ever he wanted out of me all he had to do was ask.I even reminded him he could do it. I am a strong willed person, i am a leader and i am creative in my actions. The one thing most people realize is, i am manipulative; i can make anyone agree or disagree to what i say or feel; and i usually take what i want. Yet for some reason, i caved to this kid, this 17 year old lil punk, for lack of better words; had me by the balls. He said im hungry, and i said here's 50 dollars. Yes always an insane amount of money or some thing of immense value was always taken, and WILLINGLY given- just as long as he was happy. and smiling.
About six monthes into he friendship- we got closer. He told me he was using me at 1st and through our 24/7 companionship ( he didn't even spend time with his GF...just me and him, NEVER sober) he realized he liked me more then he thought. Man this was such a shocker, i never wanted a relationship-actually i think i did, cause i so believe a sign of dependency is love at 1st sight, and it would only hurt me, if i dont realize that and write that here. At this point i figured i should tell him that, yah i am gay, and he should be careful on what he asks for or wants; like everything he says, its the most perfect thing too say. Cause he looked me dead in the eyes and said "buddy, i already knew, and i think i want this really bad; cause i never felt this way for a guy- ur perfect 2 me dont worry itll work out we will make i work".
So things, moved on- and me and my buddy hooked up and it was great. He wanted our relationship to be just known by us, and like an idiot i gave in, like i always do. I always crumble in efforts to just keep him happy. When his GF broke up with him, i felt like this is it, i finally get all of him to myself ( by this time i had built him up so high in my head, and he was perfect, and amazing, and so worth my time waiting and struggling that i was ready for him to meet my expectations.) after he cried to me and i comforted him, he looked at me and said maybe it is time to move, on and within the next 3 days he had a new GF that i made happen, i set him up with this girl, and even if i was smiling on the outside i was definitely dead on the inside. this was my 1st clue into thinking i love him 2 much, but i have a nasty habit of rationalizing my addictions or my actions to justify them to myself, the only downside is, i considered him part of me as well so his actions i looked deeply into and man o man, my heart exploded with paradoxes, and redundancy- over and over and over again till finally i lashed out against him and blamed him and made him feel my despair. I got my way though, you better believe it, he broke up with her, and for 2 monthes he was mine.
All i have to say is careful on what u wish for, cause what happens to the boy who ives happily ever after? nothing damnit, you just suffer alone and you introspect everything , and fine tune anything and everything because you desperately want your happy ending, and sadly you damn well know it will never happen. So you rage, not to anyone but to yourself. you punish yourself for the feelings and finally anger moves to loneliness. And i hit rock bottom hard. I had everything i had wanted but it stil wasnt good enough...why is all i could think, and it left me in an ambivalent state. And for weeks i struggled to maintain but by wanting him closer i pushed him away; and darkness falls. It covers you, like a rain cloud on a nice sunny day, everything turns gray and it gets dark- so dark its scary. And the entrapment you feel, is like holding your breathe under water. and then walls that go up that weren't there b4. The littlest things drive you crazy, and cut so deep. And all i can do is sit and cry more cause i see the feelings, no i smell them i feel them i understand them, any sense i have i can gain insight on how it makes HIM feel. His sadness, his entrapment, his anger- regret- loneliness. its like feelings for 2 people i am doomed 2 feel. when we slept together, id talk in my sleep, as if my sub-conscious was crying out, to get the feelings out. One time he told me her heard me saying how much i hate him, and how much i want him 2 leave but i am 2 weak cause im surrounded by a black embrace, kind of a catch-22 i want him gone 2 be happy but im only happy when he is near me.
I want to be happy, i know it, i feel it damn it i deserve it; but what is happiness ne more. i want to accept that its the pain me and him share, but its utter contentment. living life with no worries or anything that is negative.
Now you wonder what did he actually do- well lets see:
guys are guys and we hit each other, 1st playin but then it escalates into big bruises- but i laugh and make it seem likes its ok
ive been burned , slapped, humiliated, my lifes a show it seems- he holds no secrets 2 ne one ( except that me and him see each other)
he lies to me, makes me cry, unapperciates all wonderful things i do for him, he hesitates, and plays mind games. He yells at me, and since im in PA- (still go back 1 more time) he ignores me
like how freaking hard is it to avoid someone 750 miles away- hes adolescent, he ignores me or avoids me when i do go 2 see him, his mom hates me, his GF hates me ... he HAS a GF who has a kid
He does a copious amount of drugs, blames me for everything- and the worst is he is distant- like i need that.
but i love him- i love his eyes, his smile , his arms, i swear i can smell his body wash. I Will always give him what he wants and i will talke the abuse- why though? why care for someone who obviously doesnt like me or love me, and i dont want to accept it all as a lie. See this is where i get confused- obviously i have thought about this...well a alot. I know im not supposed to feel like this, and i know after the next week i will be done with him forever- but im scared cause i know i will take him back and start my addiction cycle all over again. I want to knw why i cant cut it off sooner, why do i still want, no need damnit it no CRAVE his embrace and love? I maybe gay but i do not run away from any problem, but im running away from this like its a fat man chasing a cup cake. im crying now and shaking - it hurts so bad.
I understand logic and i have a strong sense of intuition- yet this kid made my life go upside down. Id give him ne thing to be with me and even if he says no i will deny the truth and just well rationalize to the point i speak for him , and he doesnt speak at all- i just read his body language, and it sucks cause i see how happy he is with out me and how much he hates me, hell id hate me if i did this to someone.
I hate failing and i failed so hard cause this guy ( no KID) is super important, cause when its good its great, and damn i need that so badly, it feels so right to feel so wrong, it feels so full filling to be so empty and alone.
To make things worse i swear i am bipolar, im self destructing like crazy as of recently, i lost my job cause i chose nick over it, but least i had to guts to move away ( i stil begged him 2 come and id take care of him) but he said no and he wouldn't leave his girl...smack in the face right? yah i know but i took it as "yeah buddy i will be up as soon as u get situated" so I cling on it and obsess and 1.5 years later here i am still struggling still sickly in love and still his... like property, wait i can do better, like a toy and man do i feel out of date, and he put me back on the shelf. so i sit and i watch and i resent, and all i can feel is negative feelings, i want him to suffer so badly, i want him to cry and be torn over it. If he forgets me it will devastate me... and i DONT KNOW WHY
I hope someone can give me a good word of advice i need it, i need to get over this addiction- i even stopped everything else just so i can think clearly and its getting worse i get suicidal and i implode on myself and resent my family so bad cause they just dont understand. im 2 social 2 be distant.
Is there hope for me, it seems sever 2 me, i put up with a lot of his negative actions and i see myself wasting away and feeling worse and worse but as soon as he smiles i melt and im his all his no matter what even if it kills me least he'd cry then...right?
First and foremost, let me just mention that these feelings may not be codependency as you might see them. It took me a long time to figure out why. It turns out, that your views on everything from alcohol to drug abuse is already formulated in your head by the 1st grade; 2nd grade at the latest. It's called a belief system, and yes they are important. Understanding your belief system will help you overcome your addiction(s). I would go more into that, but i have a lot of hurt and pain in my hear at the moment.
I am a 21 year old guy, who recently just moved from SC, to PA. While in SC, i worked for Sonic, as an assistant manager. About 8 months into the job, i hired the guy that drives my life crazy. At first, i would just buy drugs from him and the people he knew. ( he started off as a friend , moved to an enabler, and then he became my demon.). It was not really a friendship, but then one day he asked if i wanted to chill, and if i would buy some weed for us to smoke. At first, i literally said: "F' you do i look like your ++%*%?" The funny thing is he laughed, and said "yah man just be over in 20 minutes". . . and guess what, i was there in 5 minutes.
This all started my codependency to him, it wasn't soon after that he realized he could get what ever he wanted out of me all he had to do was ask.I even reminded him he could do it. I am a strong willed person, i am a leader and i am creative in my actions. The one thing most people realize is, i am manipulative; i can make anyone agree or disagree to what i say or feel; and i usually take what i want. Yet for some reason, i caved to this kid, this 17 year old lil punk, for lack of better words; had me by the balls. He said im hungry, and i said here's 50 dollars. Yes always an insane amount of money or some thing of immense value was always taken, and WILLINGLY given- just as long as he was happy. and smiling.
About six monthes into he friendship- we got closer. He told me he was using me at 1st and through our 24/7 companionship ( he didn't even spend time with his GF...just me and him, NEVER sober) he realized he liked me more then he thought. Man this was such a shocker, i never wanted a relationship-actually i think i did, cause i so believe a sign of dependency is love at 1st sight, and it would only hurt me, if i dont realize that and write that here. At this point i figured i should tell him that, yah i am gay, and he should be careful on what he asks for or wants; like everything he says, its the most perfect thing too say. Cause he looked me dead in the eyes and said "buddy, i already knew, and i think i want this really bad; cause i never felt this way for a guy- ur perfect 2 me dont worry itll work out we will make i work".
So things, moved on- and me and my buddy hooked up and it was great. He wanted our relationship to be just known by us, and like an idiot i gave in, like i always do. I always crumble in efforts to just keep him happy. When his GF broke up with him, i felt like this is it, i finally get all of him to myself ( by this time i had built him up so high in my head, and he was perfect, and amazing, and so worth my time waiting and struggling that i was ready for him to meet my expectations.) after he cried to me and i comforted him, he looked at me and said maybe it is time to move, on and within the next 3 days he had a new GF that i made happen, i set him up with this girl, and even if i was smiling on the outside i was definitely dead on the inside. this was my 1st clue into thinking i love him 2 much, but i have a nasty habit of rationalizing my addictions or my actions to justify them to myself, the only downside is, i considered him part of me as well so his actions i looked deeply into and man o man, my heart exploded with paradoxes, and redundancy- over and over and over again till finally i lashed out against him and blamed him and made him feel my despair. I got my way though, you better believe it, he broke up with her, and for 2 monthes he was mine.
All i have to say is careful on what u wish for, cause what happens to the boy who ives happily ever after? nothing damnit, you just suffer alone and you introspect everything , and fine tune anything and everything because you desperately want your happy ending, and sadly you damn well know it will never happen. So you rage, not to anyone but to yourself. you punish yourself for the feelings and finally anger moves to loneliness. And i hit rock bottom hard. I had everything i had wanted but it stil wasnt good enough...why is all i could think, and it left me in an ambivalent state. And for weeks i struggled to maintain but by wanting him closer i pushed him away; and darkness falls. It covers you, like a rain cloud on a nice sunny day, everything turns gray and it gets dark- so dark its scary. And the entrapment you feel, is like holding your breathe under water. and then walls that go up that weren't there b4. The littlest things drive you crazy, and cut so deep. And all i can do is sit and cry more cause i see the feelings, no i smell them i feel them i understand them, any sense i have i can gain insight on how it makes HIM feel. His sadness, his entrapment, his anger- regret- loneliness. its like feelings for 2 people i am doomed 2 feel. when we slept together, id talk in my sleep, as if my sub-conscious was crying out, to get the feelings out. One time he told me her heard me saying how much i hate him, and how much i want him 2 leave but i am 2 weak cause im surrounded by a black embrace, kind of a catch-22 i want him gone 2 be happy but im only happy when he is near me.
I want to be happy, i know it, i feel it damn it i deserve it; but what is happiness ne more. i want to accept that its the pain me and him share, but its utter contentment. living life with no worries or anything that is negative.
Now you wonder what did he actually do- well lets see:
guys are guys and we hit each other, 1st playin but then it escalates into big bruises- but i laugh and make it seem likes its ok
ive been burned , slapped, humiliated, my lifes a show it seems- he holds no secrets 2 ne one ( except that me and him see each other)
he lies to me, makes me cry, unapperciates all wonderful things i do for him, he hesitates, and plays mind games. He yells at me, and since im in PA- (still go back 1 more time) he ignores me
like how freaking hard is it to avoid someone 750 miles away- hes adolescent, he ignores me or avoids me when i do go 2 see him, his mom hates me, his GF hates me ... he HAS a GF who has a kid
He does a copious amount of drugs, blames me for everything- and the worst is he is distant- like i need that.
but i love him- i love his eyes, his smile , his arms, i swear i can smell his body wash. I Will always give him what he wants and i will talke the abuse- why though? why care for someone who obviously doesnt like me or love me, and i dont want to accept it all as a lie. See this is where i get confused- obviously i have thought about this...well a alot. I know im not supposed to feel like this, and i know after the next week i will be done with him forever- but im scared cause i know i will take him back and start my addiction cycle all over again. I want to knw why i cant cut it off sooner, why do i still want, no need damnit it no CRAVE his embrace and love? I maybe gay but i do not run away from any problem, but im running away from this like its a fat man chasing a cup cake. im crying now and shaking - it hurts so bad.
I understand logic and i have a strong sense of intuition- yet this kid made my life go upside down. Id give him ne thing to be with me and even if he says no i will deny the truth and just well rationalize to the point i speak for him , and he doesnt speak at all- i just read his body language, and it sucks cause i see how happy he is with out me and how much he hates me, hell id hate me if i did this to someone.
I hate failing and i failed so hard cause this guy ( no KID) is super important, cause when its good its great, and damn i need that so badly, it feels so right to feel so wrong, it feels so full filling to be so empty and alone.
To make things worse i swear i am bipolar, im self destructing like crazy as of recently, i lost my job cause i chose nick over it, but least i had to guts to move away ( i stil begged him 2 come and id take care of him) but he said no and he wouldn't leave his girl...smack in the face right? yah i know but i took it as "yeah buddy i will be up as soon as u get situated" so I cling on it and obsess and 1.5 years later here i am still struggling still sickly in love and still his... like property, wait i can do better, like a toy and man do i feel out of date, and he put me back on the shelf. so i sit and i watch and i resent, and all i can feel is negative feelings, i want him to suffer so badly, i want him to cry and be torn over it. If he forgets me it will devastate me... and i DONT KNOW WHY
I hope someone can give me a good word of advice i need it, i need to get over this addiction- i even stopped everything else just so i can think clearly and its getting worse i get suicidal and i implode on myself and resent my family so bad cause they just dont understand. im 2 social 2 be distant.
Is there hope for me, it seems sever 2 me, i put up with a lot of his negative actions and i see myself wasting away and feeling worse and worse but as soon as he smiles i melt and im his all his no matter what even if it kills me least he'd cry then...right?
